Hurt Is Real!
As we scroll up and down our social media timelines it is easy to see people who are struggling with hurt and pain in their lives. These platforms have become public diaries and a place where some people feel is the only outlet they have to express themselves. In many posts there are references to how some have experienced Church Hurt, and they often say that it is the worse pain ever. Now, as one who has been hurt in church before I can attest that being in a place that one assumes to be safe and being hurt is devastating. However I want to counter that with this…..Hurt hurts!
Hurt from parents who abandoned or abused. Hurt from family members who spoke words of death and brokenness. Hurt from partners and friends that you trusted who betrayed you. Hurt from jobs that you gave your all too that let you go without reason. Hurt because the doctor said your loved one would be okay and with no notice you lost them. All of these things cause us to hurt.
When we place our perfect trust in imperfect people we are always at risk to be hurt. Sometimes that hurt runs deep and the healing process is long. Sometimes we find ourselves placing the blame of one person's mistake on everyone else that we are afraid has the potential to hurt us again, and that includes people at church.
Church Hurt is a phrase we hear often, but what does it Really Mean?
One thing I’ve come to learn over the years is that church is seen as a safe place. A place where we get to know God and experience the love of Christ. Because of that there is a misconception that church leaders, regardless of position, who are positioned to be an example of Gods love are perfect. And there is a belief that because people in leadership positions within the church have hurt others that the church as a whole is flawed, when the truth is the church is simply a redeeming place for flawed people which includes it’s leaders.
Consider this, a physician goes to school for years on end. They treat hundreds of patients, build family relationships and study to ensure that they are the best at treating the human body. But in spite of all of their education, experience and wisdom their humanity still puts them at risk for potentially misdiagnosing you. When that happens do you know that most physicians are devastated? Why? Because they have essentially dedicated their lives to healing. But no matter how dedicated they are they are not exempt from human error. Guess what? Your church leader is human and has the potential to hurt you no matter how spiritual, how tenured or how relational they are. It is not always intentional, it is merely an imperfect action from an imperfect person.
What can I do about “Church Hurt”?
Hurt, hurts. No matter where it happens. The important thing is to figure out how to seek healing from the hurt. The first thing to do is recognize where to get healing and how to prevent the hurt from happening again. Here are three things I want you to be mindful of as you begin to really assess church hurt:
Think Person not System- If a doctor makes a mistake they are responsible, not the whole organization. Church is the same way. If someone at church hurts you, address it with them, but do not condemn the church as a whole. Every church person you encounter should not have to pay for the mistake of one person.
Seek Healing- I’m a firm believer that we all need Jesus, Therapy & Rest (listen here). What that means is first and foremost you should seek the one who made us and knows how to heal our souls. Jesus! Prayer can bring you peace beyond understanding and wisdom on how to heal your soul. Therapy is great too. Speaking with a professional may be able to help you understand patterns and how to prevent the same situation from happening again. A Therapist can also give you tools to help you process your thoughts about the painful situation in a healthy and productive way. Then there is Rest. You may need to take a break from your place of worship as you heal if the situation is bad, but don’t quit the church!
Forgive- The bible says that we are to forgive others as we ask God to forgive us. That means that we must be able to see the humanity in others and extend forgiveness to them in the same manner we desire God to forgive us when we make mistakes. It does not mean that you have to be ignorant, but it does mean that you have to be graceful.
Applying these three things to when trying to understand or process hurt can be very helpful. Because at the end of the day, hurt hurts no matter where it comes from!
My prayer for you, is that you are able to process and understand pain in a way that it is not crippling to your personal growth. And that next time you hear someone speak of “Church Hurt” in a condemning way, that you can share the steps above to help them reconcile and maintain their walk with Christ without throwing away the church body.
To know better is do better, and that is our focus!
Purposefully Yours,
Vanika “Lady V” Lewis
Check out The Vanika Lewis Show on your local podcast platform here for more great topics and discussion. If this blog blessed you, share it with a friend and help them learn about why hurt, hurts no matter where it comes from!